So, um, I have a problem. A BIG problem. A 40 pound problem. You see, according to an online calculator I recently used, that is how many pounds over a healthy BMI I am. I am embarrassed. I feel stupid for getting like this. I have gained 25 pounds in less than a year! This time last year, I weighed less than I did when I got pregnant with Sam. I now weigh 15 pounds from what I weighed the day I delivered a 9.5 pound baby and all the goo that goes along with that. (TMI? sorry) This time last year, I was the skinniest I have been the entire time I’ve been married and it felt great. This time last year we were preparing to close on our house and I was excited. Jump ahead a month, and we have moved into our house. Jump ahead two months (July) and it hits me how lonely I am out here “in the country” all day, everyday. That same month it started hitting me (and is STILL significantly affecting me) how “un-me” I feel. I don’t do things that I loved pre-Sam anymore. I don’t scrapbook. I don’t take creative pictures- only those of Sam. I don’t pleasure read. Heck, I hardly read. I don’t laugh as much as I used to. I don’t walk as much as I used to. I don’t do my “FlyLady” routine anymore for keeping my house clean. Honestly, my household cleanliness has almost gone to pot. When we have company come visit for the weekend, I go on a whirlwind cleaning spree (and have to involve Travis due to my franticness) so they can’t tell that I might mop our kitchen floor once a month. I requested a free sample of those sticky flower-gel things to go in our toilet bowl so I could postpone toilet cleaning, too. Don’t get me wrong, our house isn’t a pigsty and I am definitely not endangering the health/safety of Sam. It is just mainly dusty and our bathtub needs cleaning.

I miss the old me.

I can’t seem to find my “groove” in this whole stay at home mothering world. My brain feels like goo because I don’t have the mental challenges offered by having a job. I sometimes crave having a job again but, I don’t want to be separated from Sam and stick him in daycare. I crave a “community.” Even though we didn’t really fit in at SEBTS’s student housing where had previously lived (they were students we were not) there was a community feel. There was a small town feel of plopping Sam in his stroller and walking a mile to campus to visit friends and Travis. I did that almost daily so that I could get out of the apartment. Now, I get in my car and drive to campus to eat lunch with Travis.

Hmm… I just got myself back to the topic of food. I LOVE chinese and mexican food. I LOVE that Sam enjoys those foods too. We often have mommy/son dates on Fridays to one of those restaurants since lunch with Travis on those days are difficult- and I STILL need to get out of the house. I don’t love leftovers. I don’t love leftovers so much that I don’t leave any. I don’t want to leave the food at the restaurant because I will feel like I am wasting our money. I don’t want to bring the food home because I don’t like leftovers- they taste funny/chewy to me. Therefore, I am 40 pounds over the upper “limit” of a healthy weight for me. Going out to eat makes me feel like I have contact with the “real” world and adults who can carry on a legit conversation with me.

I have a Master’s degree in recreation and wellness. I, obviously, am not using it. That makes me mad which just frustrates me more. I KNOW that I need to lose the weight. You would think the cheapskate side of me would jump right on it in order to avoid spending money on bigger clothes. The sarcastic side of me, thinks losing weight is kind of funny because once I get to my “ideal” weight, I will still be wearing the same clothes. Some of my clothes I have had since high school because no matter how my weight fluctuates my clothes size doesn’t. Isn’t that weird? I really wish when I lose weight my feet would shrink. That would DEFINITELY keep me motivated to stay skinny because cute shoes look funny when you hit the double digits.

Anyway, I have decided that I am going to lose the weight. I am still trying to figure out exactly how I am going to tackle it. I know exercise and changing my food decisions will be involved. I have philosophical differences with using dietary supplements to do it. It seems to me that if I have to rely on something to lose weight besides just exercise and diet, then I won’t learn what I need to do to maintain my weight when I get to where I need to be and I will keep yo-yo-ing. I digress… I am thinking of rejoining weightwatchers online for 3 months. That will give me a jumpstart on the weightloss and I can join right now and not pay the registration fee. I bought a Jillian Michael’s workout DVD tonight. The sessions are only 20 minutes long so now I need to find time to do it.

Doing the exercise and the dieting will enable me to get to where I need to be weight-wise. However, it won’t help with the reason I need to lose 40 pounds. That is going to require some soul-searching and prayer. That is going to require me to “rediscover” myself and figure out who “Steph the mom” is versus “Steph the non-mom” and being content in what I find. I am going to have to find “community” where I am. Maybe, I will start walking the neighborhood and talking to flowers and telling them how pretty they are- just kidding. I LOVE having a toddler, yes, he frustrates me sometimes, but he is a whole lot more interactive now than he was as a baby. One day, I will have a conversation with him and I look forward to that. One day, I will be happy with the person I see in the mirror again. One day, I will be happy with “me.” But, until then, just be patient. I have to work this out and I will- I am stubborn like that. πŸ™‚

I am planning on posting little updates as soon as I start losing some weight so you guys will know how I am doing. Until then, pick yourself up off the floor since you are now in total shock that I have shared all of this “deep” stuff with you. That still won’t be a part of the “new” me. I am only doing it so you will know and I don’t have to tell you to your face- I can’t handle that right now and I probably never will.

For now, it is WAY past my bedtime and I am going to sleep. We have church in the morning and I have to work in the nursery. I don’t know what is funnier, me (the person who never babysat small children) working in the nursery or the fact that I have agreed to be the nursery director (on a trial basis.) HA HA!! If you are still reading this, I am impressed because I am sure it has rambled and chased a few rabbits but that is how my mind works. Thanks for reading and I will blog more later. Sam learned something today that I am going to try to get a video of and post on here soon. It made my heart smile. πŸ™‚